No one prepares you for the drastic changes that affect your social life at age 30, nor teaches you how to maintain close friendships at this stage of life. I know this because, at 36, I just went through that change. At 20, my life revolved around making dinner plans with friends, taking group trips to new cities, and hanging out late at bars. As we approached our thirties, people began to disappear. Some got married, some moved to new cities or the suburbs, some became obsessed with their careers, and a couple had children.
At first, I felt devastated. How was it possible that these people, with whom I had been friends for years, suddenly seemed to abandon our relationship? It felt like a betrayal. However, I have since realized that the fact that people turned down brunch or went home early after a night of fun was nothing personal—it was just life. New responsibilities arose, priorities changed, and as a result, friendships that mattered most a decade ago fell by the wayside.
Understanding Social Evolution in Your 30s
This type of social evolution is very common in your 30s, when many life transitions occur, explains Rachel Goldberg, a Los Angeles-based therapist. “There are a lot more responsibilities and less time for the kind of social life you might have had before,” she says. It can be very difficult to stay in other people’s lives in the same way as when you were 25 years old and lived in the same neighborhood as your friends.
But friendships, especially long-lasting ones, are incredibly important for mental health. They are powerful mood boosters and help you cope with life’s ups and downs, several studies show. So if you’re a thirty-something reading this and thinking, “Yeah, what happened to all my friends?”, read on. Here are six therapist-approved tips to help you stay connected to the people who have made your life so much better.
Adjust Your Expectations Around Friendship
First, you have to do what it took me five years to do: accept that certain friendships are going to feel different than they did when you were younger, admits Lauren Phillips, a clinical psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group.
If, for example, you’re disappointed that you don’t see your best friend as much anymore, adjust your expectations for how often you can realistically hang out, Dr. Phillips suggests. They may be too busy with their career or caring for a young child to go to happy hour and dinner every Friday night, but maybe they can meet up every other month for lunch. Leave behind what was and recognize what is. “Focus on the quality of time rather than the quantity,” advises Dr. Phillips.
Accepting that things are different can make it hurt less when your friend no longer wants to go out for drinks or turns down invitations to bachelor parties. According to Dr. Phillips, people who have unrealistic expectations of their friends are more likely to become frustrated and upset. So give the relationship some grace and be flexible with your friends. “The more leeway each person has in a friendship, the less either party will be disappointed,” she concludes.
Take an Interest in Who Your Friend is Now
Another problem I ran into in my early 30s was that I became discouraged when my lifelong friends changed. For example, I had a hard time accepting that one of my friends no longer wanted to go to concerts. It hurt because we loved watching our favorite bands play. But I still saw him as he used to be (a big music fan) and not what he had become: a busy father with two children. I missed my friend and felt like I didn’t know him or connect with this new person who had become a father.
The solution to this problem, according to Dr. Phillips, is to take an interest in who your friend is now. People—and their interests, goals, and accomplishments—grow and evolve over time. Even if it doesn’t seem like you have much in common, you can still ask questions to understand his experiences and how they relate to who he is as a person, Dr. Phillips adds.
For example, if he’s moved up in the company, ask him what he likes (or hates) about leading a team. If he is planning a birthday party for his child, ask if it was fun hosting it and if it reminds him of his childhood. “By taking a real interest in who the other person is now, we stay open to their journey and their metamorphosis, and we can free ourselves from possible disappointment or feeling nostalgic for the person they were,” explains the psychologist.
Visit Familiar Places
One of the symptoms of growing older is that people tend to play less and focus more on their responsibilities and pending tasks, says Dr. Phillips. One of the main advantages of keeping friends is that when you’re together, you can turn to your younger, more carefree selves. Yes, it’s important to reconcile with the adult human being your friend has become, but it’s also beneficial (and fun) to play with them.
Why? Studies show that play—which can take many forms and include things like laughing out loud, joking, or competing in a game—helps people feel more open and comfortable with each other. As one study suggests, one of the most important functions of fooling around is to bond people with each other.
An effective way to bring out the kids (or college kids) in us, according to Dr. Phillips, is to take a walk down memory lane. Go to a place you used to visit together, like the coffee shop across from the apartment you once shared, the city park where you always celebrated birthdays, or your old lunch spot. Visiting a familiar place “becomes an external sign of what was there,” which can help you access a more playful and connected mental space, she adds.
Schedule Video Calls
If planning a night at the pub where you used to play trivia seems like too much, don’t force it. Goldberg says some people get too excited about the idea of staying in touch with their friends. One of your friends may swear that they will go out to dinner once a month or go on a hike every week, even though they know deep down they can’t do it. “It’s very difficult to maintain that pace when families get in the way or people move,” Goldberg maintains.
A more realistic approach: Make plans to video chat, ideally with some kind of schedule. Try doing a monthly 30-minute FaceTime or a 10-minute call on the first Wednesday of every month. If you feel like taking it to another level, you can turn it into a virtual book club or a happy hour. “When you’re on a video call and it’s just the two of you, you’re giving that person your time and they’re giving you theirs in return,” Goldberg says. Studies show that people often avoid calling their friends because they think it will be awkward, but talking face-to-face, even through a screen, can strengthen bonds.
Celebrate Your Friendships with Small Gestures
If you can’t tolerate another minute on Zoom because you’re there all day for work, come up with a creative way to honor the relationship. Surprise your friend by sending them a letter in the mail or a package full of old photos on the anniversary of when you met or took a fun trip together, for example.
These small acts of kindness let them know you’re thinking about them and remind them that you’ve known each other for a long time, Goldberg explains. Recently, a college friend I rarely see sent me a cheesy postcard from a vacation she spent in California with her husband, and all she said was “I miss you!” This type of gesture will show your friend that, although you follow different paths, they are still very important to you. “It brings you a little closer to that person even if you don’t talk to them as much or you’re at a point in your life where you’ve grown apart,” says Goldberg.
Send Your Friend a Voice Note
Last but not least: consider keeping in touch with voice notes. Record yourself talking about a memory or catch up on what’s going on (and ask what’s new in their world). Again, try to establish a routine: Exchanging voice notes regularly—maybe once a week or a couple of times a month—can keep you informed as you move through life, Goldberg recommends. Sure, it can be awkward at first to get in touch, especially if too much time has passed, but studies show that people generally really appreciate hearing from an old friend, even if it’s been a while.
While text messages are convenient, voice notes are much more personal because your friend can pick up “paralinguistic cues”—like your tone or mood—that can help them better understand what you’re saying and feel closer to you. Plus, when you talk, “your personality comes out,” says Goldberg. Recently, a woman I’ve known since we were 19 sent me a voice note in which she told me that she had run into a group of kids we went to college with and they had been terrible. “I rarely see her, but she reminded me of the old days and that, deep down, she is still the weirdo I adore,” she shared with me.
It’s easy to let life get in the way of your friendships or get upset when your school friend spends more time hanging out with work friends, but it’s worth preserving those ties. It’s hard to find people to be authentic with. Take it from the therapists mentioned above (and me): let your friendships change, but work on maintaining close friendships, even if it’s with a 15-second voice note showing that you’re still the awkward person you were when you first met at 17 years old.
